I Have A Voice

Good afternoon and welcome back to the second instalment of my blog. Thank you to all those who read my post on Monday. I was not expecting so many of you to take time out your day to learn about me (to be fair you probably had nothing better to do). But seriously though, as I write this the 'This Is Me' post has 260 views! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to every single one of you. I thought I would follow on from the previous post and let you in to another part of my life. This is a very sensitive topic, one I very rarely talk about with anyone. I am expecting to get somewhat emotional during this, but hopefully this will inspire people to open up about their inner most thoughts and feelings. The hardest part about writing this is the constant reminder of the negativity that was put on my life on a daily basis.

Before I get into my story, let me provide you with some background first. People get bullied. Others are bullies. The way I see it, bullies are only mean to others because they are jealous and have low self esteem and confidence. Therefore they try to bring other people down with them. It makes the bully feel big, strong and in control. They gain a sense of power and dominance by making those around them feel miserable, worthless and degraded. Does anyone deserve to feel like this? Absolutely not. Especially when it is something the person did not choose and has no control over. And this is where my personal tale commences.

Some might call it stammering. I've heard others call it a stutter. Or if you come from a Chelsea-like area and prefer posh sounding words, you could call it verbal dyspraxia (my sincere apologies if any of you actually live in Chelsea). Well no matter what you want to call it, I had it. It was nobody's fault. Not my parents. Not mine. Just one of those unfortunate things that happen to the innocent (for the sake of this blog - I'm innocent alright). It is officially defined as repeating sounds or syllables, making longer sounds, or when a word gets stuck and does not come out at all. Research studies show that 1 in 12 children suffer with some form of verbal dyspraxia (not that special really am I)? Come on Connor, back to the serious stuff.

Unfortunately there's no medical treatment for it. Official treatments range from creating a relaxed environment to help self confidence, to working on overcoming feelings such as fear and anxiety when speaking. I had many teachers try to help me to cure it, or at least make it better, but none of them were able to suppress it completely. And as I went through my primary school years and up in to secondary school, yes, I was bullied for it. People found it funny, people would mock me, people would tell me not to talk if I can't talk properly. I would get comments such as "Hey stutter boy" or "Hurry up and spit it out" and for me the most degrading "We haven't got all day". For a while I just ignored it and let my superior academic grades do the talking for me (I'm actually impressed I can joke about this still), but then even some of my 'friends' would join in the bullying. My 'friends' were making me feel bad. And you know the worst part, they were not afraid to do it to my face. I was a target. I had a sign on my forehead saying "Take the piss out of me for free". And boy did people do that. I ignored it for a long time, until one day I spoke to the one teacher I trusted most. 

And then I thought to myself "Why did you wait so long to talk to someone?" She was amazing. After discussion with numerous teachers, my head of year and form tutor, we put a plan in place that I would be taken out of some less important lessons (sorry if my drama, art or music teacher are reading this) to concentrate on my confidence when speaking in front of  the class. I'll bypass a few months here or you'll be reading all week! 

By the end of that academic year I was like a new person. All be it I still had verbal dyspraxia (and honestly I probably will do for the rest of my life) but I felt happy. I wanted to put my hand up and answer questions. I wanted to give my opinion. I wanted to be like everyone else. Sure people tried to bully me still, but it wasn't affecting me like it previously had done. To quote the incredible Taylor Swift, "Haters gonna hate". And what did I do? "Shake it off" (thank goodness for that song). But seriously, that's what I had to do. Otherwise where would I be now? That's a question I'd rather not think about.

As I mentioned way back at the start, lots of children get bullied at school. I'm sure some of you reading this will remember your days of getting bullied constantly at school. Maybe even some of you reading were the bully at school. Maybe you were why others got upset. Either way, this issue is never going to go away (sorry to be negative but it's just part of life). All I would ask is that you embrace it and let it make you stronger. Let it make you a better person. Learn from those experiences, good or bad. You can't change the past (unless you can create a time machine that actually works) but you can shape your future. Better or worse? That's for you to decide.

My message to those who were bullied at school. Be strong. Fight the hate. Shake it off. Believe in yourself and learn to love yourself. Because until you do that, the bullies win. And they always will.

My message to those who bullied others at school. Why? Put yourself in their shoes. Don't make people feel worthless. We all have a purpose in life. Yours may not be obvious but keep searching.

See you Monday.

Connor

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